SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
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Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script