There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
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I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
When you “pspspsp” too hard
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.