Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
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I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Sponch
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.