I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
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Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?