Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
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*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.