Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
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[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.