Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
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I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs