Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.

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[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”


“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”


“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.


A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’

*A Girl Passes by..*

Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”


My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums


*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*


What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?


Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.


Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché