Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
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If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Try and stop me.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.