@david8hughes [phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
@cakemittens Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
You Might Also Like
@david8hughes 
@KenTremendous “Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
@david8hughes [interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
@Try2StopME A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
@meantomyself My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
@UnFitz *ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
@Naked_Superman What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
@evangeline_dawn If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
@kate_smithxx Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
@BubblesnBooze Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché