@pmclellan

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

You Might Also Like

@siddharth3

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

@BangMyBongo

Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time

@EdnaSugar

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

@Reverend_Scott

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

@xoMISSYox

Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁

@Blazed_n_Amused

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

@HomeProbably

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

@shutupmikeginn

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

@afloodofblood

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.