So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

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Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret


Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time


There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today


REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.


ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU


Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.


If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.


if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun


Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.