Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
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I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Weighing up my bread heating options
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Smile they said.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.