Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
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“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.