No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
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Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.