No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing![]()
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i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)