Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
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Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er