My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
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I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.