My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
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Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?