@dshack8

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

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@fro_vo

[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most

@kristabellerina

Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.

@3sunzzz

The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?

@HotBitHoran

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

@RisingxxPhoenix

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

@TheTweetOfGod

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

@Renanumber5

Them: You have a debt to society

Me: Well they can get in line