No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
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Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.