No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

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[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most


Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.


The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.


Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?


Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around


Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.


CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.


Them: You have a debt to society

Me: Well they can get in line