Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
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Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.