Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
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I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on