Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
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Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.