Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
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Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Going to church you guys need anything
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.