Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
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I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
This took me a second..
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”