me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
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Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
So that’s what we looked like?
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky