Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
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Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.