“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
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Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
*orders delivery*
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.