Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
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*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
where the womens at?
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?