I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
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Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
SCARY COSTUME
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!