You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
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I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
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wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me: