him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
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Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?