Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
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When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
I think they could have phrased this better
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.