I think they could have phrased this better
You Might Also Like
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Perfect
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.