I think they could have phrased this better
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some things should go without saying
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One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.