“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
You Might Also Like
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.