@MicheleAKALips

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

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@DurtMcHurtt

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

@gavinprobably

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

@n0tblonde

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

@Manda_like_wine

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

@bazecraze

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

@UncleDuke1969

Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!

– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”

@ilovepie84

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”