My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
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[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.