Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.

Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.