My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
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interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
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ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Hilarious if literal: arms race
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish