Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

Hilarious if literal: arms race

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?

ME: Of course!

BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]

*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*

From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.

Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish