@MicheleAKALips

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

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@meganamram

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

@dustinbeavers

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

@slimmy_shady

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.

@Try2StopME

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

@mlinhart

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

@

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

@Shade510

Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.

Leftover Pie: