I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
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Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
live long and prosper!
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol