Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
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Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
It be like that sometimes 😆
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.