Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
You Might Also Like
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.