Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
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My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼