What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
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Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
when the buffet is more honest than your date
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?