when the buffet is more honest than your date
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Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴