HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
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Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
How do horror writers compete with current events?
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
This is my emotional support knife.