2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
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Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now