I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
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We are the people our parents warned us about.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
This is true.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please