CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
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coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy: