Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
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I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Hamburger Hinderer.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
don’t be scared
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”