Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
You Might Also Like
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
A drum solo but on your face.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE