*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
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*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.