8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
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I see that your IQ test came back negative.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker