What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
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[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.