A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
You Might Also Like
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
kevin is now a local weatherman
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?