Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
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[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (