Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
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I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
same bro
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.