Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
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Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Meanwhile in Portland…
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]