Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
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INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.