Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
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My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic